lostconversations

Inspired by "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie. I used the name William because it's an exboyfriend's name, not William Beckett.

With wounded red eyes and a pounding heart, I have come to believe that I had learned the difference between bull and what my true friends say. My heart would end up dying alone, yet my mind couldn't have it. Who really cared anymore? As long as everyone passed go and collected their two-hundred dollars, they turned their sadistic stares towards the next person in line; someone else. Every step I took towards my car my legs grew weaker, due to lack of sleep and the consumption of what I convinced myself to believe had been a highly caffeinated drink. What struck me then couldn't have been predicted by even the finest of beings? Something small collided with the small of my back, but I never offered to turn around to see what it was, mostly because I knew my heavy heart couldn't bear it. That it had to be the last thing I wanted him to see before I embarked on my full-out journey to wherever my car dared to take me; a thick envelope containing the reason I had to leave. That reason being a nearly blank piece of paper that screamed at anyone that would look at it. Had I not wandered off to get engaged to this man that I thought I loved, I would now still have a family whom adored me.

 No, I'm not saying that I'm perfect in anyway, but my family supported me in everything I did and when it came to this engagement, no one cared. My eyes grew weary at the thought. The shivering hand reaching to the handle on my tiny Honda's door, stopped halfway. Dare I walk out on the only person that really cared for me at this time? He's the one person I have and the only person that would forgive for whatever mistakes I make, or made; my past isn't the best thing to bring up right now. I caught myself turning after to meet a pair of weary dark eyes.

"Are you really doing this?" he choked on every word that seemed to be dripping with sadness and fear.

Am I really doing this? If I could open my arms wide enough to span across the never ending line of people that I've hurt in the past and present, I'd wrap them around every single person. William is different. He's the love of my life and dare I hurt him because of a simple little fight that commenced after me not answering a random question. Honestly, I don't even remember the question.

"Marie, are you really doing this?" he repeated while I attempted to pick up the pieces of my heart that had shattered against the concrete walkway.

I opened my mouth, only to have my lower lip quiver and my top lip purse, "William, I don't know anymore." My lack of breath and clear words made me feel as if someone had their hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing. "I just can't think clearly anymore. "

Stepping towards me, he wrapped his arms around my shaky body and murmured, "Shh... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything to you. It was over my head and I what I said was inappropriate." He gently squeezed me giving me every shred of love he could spare.

I returned the favor and wrapped my arms around his slender midsection as I whimpered, "Please, don't be mad at me."

"For what?" he asked gently pulling me away to look into my bloodshot eyes.

For a moment, I debated on taking action, but I did, "For saying goodbye, but not for forever. I just need some time alone to think some things through." The expression on his face tore me limb from limb, but I had to do it for us-mostly for me. Our love would drown if I didn't take this chance at reviving it by letting us both see how life is without each other. "I'm not breaking the engagement..."

"How long?" he asked grasping my hand as I gripped the handle to open my car.

I never answered. No answer existed in my heart because I didn't know it. I turned and gave the lips I loved one last kiss before a short vacation. As soon as our lips parted, my heart exploded in hot flames that licked at my lungs and made it hard for me to breathe, "A week."

What do you think?

14 hours ago, my eyes stole a glance at you
The moment that you had told me you were running away.
My heart wouldn't believe you,
But now I know; it was the truth.

13 hours ago, you told me you loved me
To stay here and mend my heart.
Deep inside, I knew that you wouldn't make it too far.
You were seen fleeing from your home.
They wouldn't let you leave.

12 hours ago, my heart broke.
A message came through my phone.
It had to be one that I never wanted to view.
Bearing the news, it was vague, but oh-so true.
Making your escape, you decided to send me something,
Something to make all of the pain you've cause to go away.

 

(i found this in a journal that I found of mine, from September.. I don't remember writing it, but it's in my handwriting.. Probably one of those late night,"I need to write something now", moments.)

I'm one to wake up everyday to think
"Life isn't about finding who you are...
Life is about creating who you are and what you should become.
We're the future of our kind when the old disappear.
We have the very future our trembling hands.
The future is lingering around beckoning to be found.
Whatever it may be, it's in our hands now; Cherish it."

Being an adolescent doesn't make me the voice of reason
Nor does it give me the power to corrupt the minds of others.
The only power I pin to my sleeve each morning is Choice
Whether it be the words that escape my lips
Or who shall take my place as mistress of the theatre.

Soon, I'll find myself creating a masterpiece.
Folding it in immaculately along the edges.
Piercing it in all the right places.
Make it looked like it has had lived.
When it's completed, it'll become my own personal Frankenstein.
I'll give it a name--my name.
May it eventually change something in the future.
For my adolescence has grown to its mere end.
Two more years and my Frankenstein shall live.

 

(random thing.. I'm 18, so two more years and I'll be 20, no longer a teen. That's incase you didn't known what I meant by the last line.)

{this is based on a dream I had a few nights ago that has me massively jumpy, comments are greatly appreciated.. BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed the I got a Distinguished on my portfolio. This is slightly creepy according to my CompTech teacher and he gave it the title.}

Staring in horror, the fear became overwhelming. Is the man still here? Scanning the room, nothing moved with the exception of me and my silhouette cascading onto the wall from the full moon rising in the dark sky. A gorey mess had been left behind by someone. The poor soul lying there leaked innocence and once breathed and blinked. Once screamed. Dare I yell for help? Maybe the person would come after me if he knew of my presence.

Gradually turning around to linger back out of the house so calling out would be safer if I walked away from the scene. Opening the door, I faced the monster. Piercing eyes, full rosy lips and hair dangling in his face. My heart thundered in my chest. I backed away. What else could I do? Death was in my future. Any common sense filled person could see that.

My back hit the wall near my stairs. The stairs would be my only way out, but I wasn't quite sure how swift my attacker was, "Did.. Did you do that?"

His gentle, slender hand rested on my shoulder, guiding me away from the stairs, as if he could read my thoughts, "The man deserved it.. He spoke unthought of words, in massive description and immaculate details."

Right before my eyes, his appearance shifted from what I thought I wanted to see to a bloody mess of a man. Every muscle in my body cringed feeling another wall meet my back. This is it. I clenched my eyes shut and waited.. And nothing happened. My eyes fluttered open and bright sunlight met my pupils and the attacker had vanished.

Counting the smoke rings, I lie in bed
Wondering what's going through your head.
What must you have planned tonight?
Besides another fight.

The basics have grown harder
Everybody has become stronger.
History repeats itself again, one last time.
I'll call you mine, I can call you mine.

Tables turning, your eyes are burning
You can't get to sleep tonight.
It was just another fight.
I must be doing something right.

The kids are fast asleep
In their small beds.
In the morning they'll have questions,
Like always we'll have confessions.
Just because to them we can't lie,
No we can't lie this time.

Now lying in bed, I count the smoke rings
Filling the area above the head board
I count millions before they disappear
All I know is that I'll always be here..

Ignore the fights we've had
Forget the answers to the forgotten questions.
I miss the way things use to be
How things once were between you and me.

(I just remembered that we can post short stories, so here is a tiny part of my current story that I've been working on the last few days. It's pretty horrible to be honest. Comments are greatly appreciated.. It's inspired by William's, uhm, snippet of The Folding. "One:Winter", but it's not going the same way.. You'll see, if you read. I don't have much time left in class).

Part of Chapter One: Eardrums
The red lights ahead screamed at me to quickly stop, so I wasn't able to forewarn the traffic behind me before I came to a the sudden halt. A gentle huff of aggravation with a hint of fear escaped my mouth. In the back of my mind, the possibility of being bumped into by the car behind me made me cringe. My thoughts wandered back to the night before. The yelling, shouting and cursing. I couldn't even believe half of the words that I had said to him; my fiance'. Well, my ex now. Tears and massive confusion blurred my vision before I heard a loud, constant honking pounding on my eardrums. My first reaction was to stomp on the accelerator, thank God for sending the team of Guardian Angels to watch over me because my hesitation saved me and my tiny Honda.

The honking sunk into my head, yet I fought the urge to step out and storm to the car behind me to give them a hunk of what I had been thinking the last few minutes. Suddenly, I angrily opened the door, what in the world was I doing!? Slamming the door, I turned around and reality punched me in my face with all of its might. The skull that was attached to my body felt as though it was crackling under my hairline. Tears beckoned to pour from my eyes. The sight was unbelievable. Cars were turned in every which direction. The honking had been coming from the couple of cars behind my Honda. Pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars. The trunk of my car looked as though it had been beaten to be recycled in ordered to make a bunch of soda-cans.

Something warm rolled down my face as I lingered up to the other cars to check on the drivers and passengers because all of this was my fault. Gazing into the window, I saw way more than I wished for. I don't even want to mention the fact that their air bags never deployed. The car behind him was a much larger vehicle, thus it was not in as bad of shape as the sandwiched car was. Wandering back to my Honda, I tried to remember what really happened. I slammed my breaks and... And an old dingy red Chevrolet pick-up truck hit me head on..

I turned around and saw a paramedic running after me. His running reminded me of Bay Watch; the slow motion I'm-here-to-save-you running. He gently grasped my hand and led me  over to the median in the middle of the four-lane highway. everything still ran in slow motion.

There's more but I just got signed out.. What do you guys think????
I apologize for spelling errors, I'm at school, so I don't really have enough time to proof read, etc.

Empty streets and sidewalks
Broken down buildings and various local cops
The feeling of terror built inside me.
My feet were carrying me towards the airport.
Mind over matter; Minds are unpredictable.

Hardly a soul stood near by
Maybe the tears wouldn't form.
The last thing I need to do is cry.
It'd kill the moment
Yet, it has been a long time since our eyes have met.

My limbs trembled as I rested in the seat.
I couldn't tell you how long I waited,
How long I've wanted to see his face again.
Eyes made of hazel emeralds
With tissue soft skin.

Long have I waited for you to come home.
My heart pleaded for you to not be stuck behind the sea.
Our letters were filled with various topics, but one..
One of them made me cry everytime I read it;
You speaking of your fear of not coming home.

The turminal opened and my heart hopped into my throat.
The anticipation formed butterflies with bladed wings in my stomach.
And at that moment, my eyes found the oh-so familiar emaralds.
The ones that they fell in love with long ago.
You're home.. Thank you God; He made it home.

All the love that I felt that I had forgotten
Cascaded across the room, landing on you face.
I realized I would travel through space,
With no oxygen at all for you.
You're my hero; My oxygen.
I love you, too.

Locked doors, quiet rooms
Coming home to an empty dwelling.
Left alone to dream of confusion
Holding a letter that lied forgotten
Found underneath my pillow.

My eyes froze.
A lump formed in my throat.
All of my limbs tensed.
You knew I protested this
What if you don't come back?

Fighting against people with no names
Uttered unknown languages hit your ear.
Having the scent of burning ashes caught in your nose.
All of my hopes are crying for you to make it home.
My protest went unthought of..

Maybe you'll come home with unused bullets
A cigarette loosely dangling between your lips
And a bible placed near your heart.
My ring on hanging from your neck.
With a foul smell lingering all over your clothes.

If not, my accusations could be true.
Not everyone comes home safely.
There's a possibility some can't make it through.
Yet, the feeling in my still beating heart, actually
Is yearning for you to come home soon.

[[I believe it sounds kind of stupid..]]

Something burned my eye lids.
Had I fallen asleep again?
Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call from you,
Telling me of your adventures in Seattle.

My reasons for waiting are fair enough.
I wanted to admit something I wanted to..
To tell you last night, I didn't have the heart.
You never called, so today is the day.
Today, I come out to say, "I'm lost here."

"I've been lost since you left me at the airport.
Lying in bed crying for no reason at all,
Maybe for the words left unsaid.
I just kept my mouth shut,
And my thoughts in my head."

Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call from you,
Telling me that you only wished to say goodbye,
Not a moment too soon; You hated baring bad news.
You speak lies, telling me what I want to hear.

My eyes shot open, hearing the dial tone ringing in my ear.
The heart I believed I had rose into my throat.
Rays from my morning light engulfed my room,
Highlighting the wrinkles on my blanket, with a phone nearby.
My weary morning eyes gawked at the tiny screen.

How weak of me to think that you actually called?
Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call that I'll never receive.
How dumb of me to believe,
Someone like you would waste your time on me.

 

x//o-Shawna

You say you can read me
Like a book with pages missing.
Right now, I'll try to forget
All of the things I've said.

One voice can change the world.
Unknown and untouched.
Maybe I can be that voice for you.
Just help me, find my way.

And here I am, lost and vague.
Underneath these phrases; changed.
Unannounced and unpaved.
Just like you, I am afraid.

My pages have been mended recently.
They were found in someone else's hand.
Maybe after some tape and a few hours,
It'll be all over soon.
The book is still far from over,
You're just another vivid chapter.

A vivid chapter written with such love and care.
Inspired by the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I've lived a lie most of my 17 years of existance.
But since you've came along, the story has come true.

Pieces

I never had the heart to tell them I was sorry for leaving, but there I was, lying on the street. The wind is cold and everything I once knew had crashed upon the concrete around me. Tiny, microscopic sized bits of my life, well what was left of it, blew away with the gentle breeze. I believe I lost the ability to move; I was paralyzed, if only temporarily.

Glancing around, I saw no one who could or would help me pick up the pieces that were too large to be carried away by the wind. Eventually, I gained enough strength to bring myself to my knees and gather up my thoughts. Pieces of my heart lied there with everything else. Who can help me?

Grasping onto one thought, I smiled weakly trying to pick myself up and walk away, leaving it all behind me. Its the only way to carry on, the only way I can live and be free without caring for what people think of me. I am who I am, I think therefore I am.

I clung to that one thought; "Somewhere out there loves me".

Soon, I found my feet carrying me across the scorching concrete, which eventually became colder and colder, to the point where I had to stop in my tracks. Stopping made me have to let go. I watched the love disappear into the horizon line in the distance. It was hard, but I could not go any further; I was too fragile to carry on.

Soon, my knees gave out, sending me to the cool concrete beneath me. There I lied motionless, afraid to move. Milliseconds later, I began hearing gentle crackling sounds, making me quickly sit up and look around, thinking I had fallen onto weak cement. But, the sounds were not coming from the ground... They were coming from me...

I witnessed piece after piece chip off of my body, I fell apart. The world proved to be too great for me. Moments later, I lied there, in pieces.

(wrote it last week for my Dramatic Arts class)

Hey peeps,(yes, totally uncool of me)

I was just reading through this and thought "hmmm, I haven't posted a journal in forever, well since January. It's only July, the end of July, but nothing has really went on. I went to TN in June, I'm becoming a Senior in high school and friends are acting strange, but I guess they're about to explode from not seeing anybody, same here.

My old art teacher turned in his resignation papers, so I'm going to die knowing I have another art teacher this year. The most strange thing this year is we have Chinese as a foreign language, and duh, I'm taking it. Me and my friends came up with a rendezvous plan; taking it together. Hope the teacher doesn't go crazy, but my friends seem to act pretty mature, around adults(most of them at least*glares at a few people*). Well, we know when to draw the line because you put us together we can be rather tumultuous, ah. We're the most mature high schoolers in the school, I believe or I'd like to believe. Hm. I am pretty quiet though, maybe you couldn't tell by the length of this post?

Anyway, I'm unsure of what else I can say at this moment, besides maybe I should go to bed and start getting on a sleep schedule for school. It starts August 6th, by the way. But I guess I'll leave the sleep for the big dreamers and stay up until insomnia hour and begin teetering between dreams and reality, I know I'll eventually fall somewhere between the two and within seven minutes, I'll fall asleep. Then wake up refreshed and ready to do whatever I do on a daily basis; internet, draw, write, bug mom, eat, shower, sleep then do it all over again. Wednesday will toss school into that, taking away a few of those things I listed.

Oh joy, Family Matters is on!
Bye-Good Night
--Shawna

I shut my eyes and imagine what I see.
Nothing in my foresight
Nothing as it seems.
I toss and turn in my soft bed.
Trying to ignore
the aching of my head.

I have become a lady of sorrows.
How can this be?
Being unable to see all tomorrows.
Being unable to breathe.
I toss aside everything you say
Which I shall reveal tomorrow.
While screaming all that day.

This is my apology
I ask for your forgiveness.
I ask just to speak to you once more.
"Are you in this?"
With me as we march on through the parade.
Please, I ask of you
Just one more day.

Sometimes all you do, is all you can do
And it takes a long time to have a break through
As all of the illusions fade
Sometimes when it's late
It's hard to get through.

Days, when the time lingers away
Seem to last forever.
And you fall asleep for no reason.
You're not tired, just emotionally drained.

Sometimes, the roads are winding.
And all the memories hide so you don't stay hurt
I realized long ago I'd do anything.
Anything as long as you live up to this.

Bring me a day where the suns not shining.
Spare me of every word you meant to say.
Show me the side of you that never smiles.
And I'll show you the pain I'm in everyday.

I think back to the end.
Then right back to the beginning.
Wondering what ever happened to you.
Please, go back home, my heart is mending.

I hate you.
(spend more time away)
I despise you.
(take the time out of the day).
I miss you.
(to leave me alone in my remorse)
You're a ghost.

Hey guys, it's me yet again.
My New Years Resolution is to try to get stories and poems written and possibly get them published.
I was wondering if anyone, if anyone at all, would read a book that was written by me?
Yeah, I'm only 16, (17 on january 28th), but my English teacher I had freshman year told me that she'd point me in the right direction to get a book published. If that doesn't work then I'll probably have to find someone to publish it myself.
They'll be three stories and a few poems. The stories in the book will be:
+Murders at the Cabaret
+You May Not Like Me (rough draft is posted in my journal)
+::Currently Untitled::and in the process of being completed.
I'm not sure which poems yet.

I'll keep updates on it (like anyone cares really).

-Shawna-

Wow, 2008 already?
Sweet 28 days until my birthday! Ill be 17. Well so much  has happened this year.
+Honda Civic Tour was awesome. I got to meet The Academy Is..., Fall Out Boy, Dirty, Gabe Saporta, Mark Hoppus, and made so many friends.
+I also went and saw Hellogoodbye, Say Anything, and the Polysics on the Myspace Tour!
+I met my good friends in After Elvis a year and one month ago.
+Out of all the good friends, I must mention I met my pen pal in July! She's from Australia! I love Australia.
+Recieved a letter to go to Australia, but I couldn't afford to go.
+Fell down the stairs many times.

My resolution:
To finish my story I'm working on right now, and get it, along with another story and a few poems, published into a book.

Happy New Year guys!

-Shawna<3

What did you put in my drink?
I feel numb and weak.
Unable to stay awake.
Breathing is heavy, everything is swirling.
Before I know it, I'm lying on the ground.
You're no friend of mine. Not one of mine.
I thought I trusted you, Great betrayer.
Oh, how could I be so ignorant to believe that,
You of all people, wanted one more chance.
You don't even desire a glance, just one more death wish.
My heart races, pounding out of my chest; wanting to escape.
I'm cold, pale, and delaying thought.
Who are you again? My memory is skipping.
I see a little girl celebrating her 9th birthday.
And another of her a little older at a band recital.
"What have you done to me?"
The numbness has now lingered all over my body,
Sending one thought to my mind..
I am Dying.

THIS poem is about the time something was put in my drink by a "friend".. Whom is not my friend anymore.
Anyways, today was good. I joined pep-band. I'm a "Squidward", clarinet player. It's great though, almost all of my friends are bandies. I get to spend more time with the friends I don't get to see a lot, the ones I love the most.
Well, how come you get to see the friends you just like all the time, but never get to see the ones you really love and been friends with ever since pre-school. Is it the fact you've been their friend since pre-school? idk.
I got called a lesbian today. I'm getting a little tired of it. I'm straight and I support the Gay/Bi/Lesbian community, because I have a few friends who are Gay/Bi/Les. Especially, my bestest friend Mikey. I love him =] He models for Eye Candy Photography on myspace. Mikey's a sweetie. He'd probably kill me for mentioning him.<3
Anyways, I'm going to go. My friend, Heaven's, birthday party is tomorrow, I'm going to her house. *dances* I'm so excited.

--Shawna<3

Name drop of the Day: Mikey B. and Squidward.
Song of the Day: "Guilty Pleasure" by Cobra Starship and "The Queen and I" by Gym Class Heroes
Quote of the Day: "Oh my Gee! Mrs. Shepard is teaching Ball Room dancing. Hells Yeah I'm in!"

Hey!
I decided to leave a journal while I'm in a sweet ass mood.
I replied to this thing on one of my friend's pages on myspace, which caused a lot of problems. Yet I called him and found out he is not mad so yeah.
Oh, Emory finally got engaged to Bekah, which is freakin' awesome and I support them all the way. XD I love both of them lol.
CONGRATS TO EMORY AND BEKAH! (hopefully, they won't kill me for posting it on here)
and sorry if i have caused problems with anyone lol..


-Shawna<3

Quote(s) of the day: "It's like falling asleep in the floor gazing outside of the window, Watching all of the droplets tap on the glass. You know it can't get in, but why do you feel it rolling down your cheek at 12am? Why do you feel so alone, in a room full of friends?" and "I'm starting a new religion! It's called: "People-who-except-the-fact-that-everyone-hates-each-other."
Name drop of the day: Matthew Gray Gubler
Song of the day: Heaven Help Us, by MCR

---It may be confusing if you didn't read the ending to Part6:You May Not Like Me.

The officer knelt down slowly to check Gray's pulse, "He's still alive, well, barely."
Alex glared at Gray then slowly turned to pick Pete up and help him out of the bathroom. She carefully assisted him over Gray's still breathing body and to the police officer standing in the door way.
    Suddenly, Gray's eyes sprung open and the other police officer pointed his gun at him.
    Gray glared at the barrel of the gun, "Shoot me."
    The officer, holding Pete said, "Put your gun away, Morgan. The kid couldn't move, even if he tried."
    Gray's eyes grew dull as Morgan put his gun back into his hustler and got out his talkie, "Send in the medics."
    A few minutes later, four paramedics rushed through the door with a small bed. They carefully, placed Gray on the bed, strapped him down and three of them rushed him out. The other one stayed behind to check up on Pete.
    "Is he going to live?" Alex asked Morgan as the paramedic helped Pete to the bed to check all of his wounds.
    "If they get him to the hospital in time," Morgan sighed seeming relieved. "I hate seeing teenagers die, but I hate seeing what they are truly capable of doing to each other."
  
    A few days later, Alex and Pete quietly sat in a local cafe staring out of the window. Pete started stirring his cappuccino with a tiny black straw. He stared at the tiny swirls like he had never seen anything like them before. Pete glanced at Alex, who was glaring out the window.
    She looked at Pete, "What?"
    He shook his head, "What did the window do to you?"
    Alex shook her head, "There's a speck on it."
    Pete nodded and went back to stirring his cappuccino, "Al, what would you have done if Gray would've killed me?"
    Alex threw a pack of sugar at him, "Don't even say that."
    "But what if?" Pete asked again.
    "I would have succeeded," she muttered glaring at the speck on the window again.
    "What?" Pete asked.
    "Gray's funeral would be today, if he would have killed you," Alex muttered a little bit louder.
    It got quiet between them for a few moments. Alex sighed as she started stirring her coffee. Pete looked up from his cappuccino and saw the sad expression on her face. He cleared his throat.
    "I start counseling tomorrow," he muttered trying to break the silence.
    Alex nodded sadly and dryly said, "Me too."
    "Alexandria, we can't keep being so mopey all the time," Pete blurted out.
    Alex stopped stirring her coffee and switched her glare to Pete's dark hazel eyes, "Peter, how do you expect me not to be mopey? How do you expect us, not to be mopey? You almost got killed, and he had me slammed against a concrete wall. How?"
    Pete shook his head slowly, "Alex, please. Finish your coffee. I shouldn't have said anything."
    "Maybe you shouldn't have," she said sipping her coffee.
    Pete glared at her and sipped his cappuccino, "Fine."
    The rest of the time both of them were silent until they finished their drinks.
    "Sorry," Alex said as Pete got up from the table. " I didn't mean what I said."
    "It's alright, I need to stop being so heartless and really think about what happened," he said. "Think about it, we have the whole summer ahead of us. Gray's getting sent off as soon as he gets out of the hospital."
    She nodded, "Yeah, maybe you're right. I think too much."
    "Are you sick?" he said feeling of her fore head.
    Her eyes widen, "Do I look sick?"
    "You just admitted that you think too much," Pete said as she playfully smacked his arm.
    "Leave me alone," she said picking up her purse.
    Both of the exited the cafe hand in hand wondering what's going to happen next. But life always brings the unexpected.