Lostconversations' Journals

Love Is Gonna Drown

Inspired by "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie. I used the name William because it's an exboyfriend's name, not William Beckett.

With wounded red eyes and a pounding heart, I have come to believe that I had learned the difference between bull and what my true friends say. My heart would end up dying alone, yet my mind couldn't have it. Who really cared anymore? As long as everyone passed go and collected their two-hundred dollars, they turned their sadistic stares towards the next person in line; someone else. Every step I took towards my car my legs grew weaker, due to lack of sleep and the consumption of what I convinced myself to believe had been a highly caffeinated drink. What struck me then couldn't have been predicted by even the finest of beings? Something small collided with the small of my back, but I never offered to turn around to see what it was, mostly because I knew my heavy heart couldn't bear it. That it had to be the last thing I wanted him to see before I embarked on my full-out journey to wherever my car dared to take me; a thick envelope containing the reason I had to leave. That reason being a nearly blank piece of paper that screamed at anyone that would look at it. Had I not wandered off to get engaged to this man that I thought I loved, I would now still have a family whom adored me.

No, I'm not saying that I'm perfect in anyway, but my family supported me in everything I did and when it came to this engagement, no one cared. My eyes grew weary at the thought. The shivering hand reaching to the handle on my tiny Honda's door, stopped halfway. Dare I walk out on the only person that really cared for me at this time? He's the one person I have and the only person that would forgive for whatever mistakes I make, or made; my past isn't the best thing to bring up right now. I caught myself turning after to meet a pair of weary dark eyes.

"Are you really doing this?" he choked on every word that seemed to be dripping with sadness and fear.

Am I really doing this? If I could open my arms wide enough to span across the never ending line of people that I've hurt in the past and present, I'd wrap them around every single person. William is different. He's the love of my life and dare I hurt him because of a simple little fight that commenced after me not answering a random question. Honestly, I don't even remember the question.

"Marie, are you really doing this?" he repeated while I attempted to pick up the pieces of my heart that had shattered against the concrete walkway.

I opened my mouth, only to have my lower lip quiver and my top lip purse, "William, I don't know anymore." My lack of breath and clear words made me feel as if someone had their hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing. "I just can't think clearly anymore. "

Stepping towards me, he wrapped his arms around my shaky body and murmured, "Shh... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything to you. It was over my head and I what I said was inappropriate." He gently squeezed me giving me every shred of love he could spare.

I returned the favor and wrapped my arms around his slender midsection as I whimpered, "Please, don't be mad at me."

"For what?" he asked gently pulling me away to look into my bloodshot eyes.

For a moment, I debated on taking action, but I did, "For saying goodbye, but not for forever. I just need some time alone to think some things through." The expression on his face tore me limb from limb, but I had to do it for us-mostly for me. Our love would drown if I didn't take this chance at reviving it by letting us both see how life is without each other. "I'm not breaking the engagement..."

"How long?" he asked grasping my hand as I gripped the handle to open my car.

I never answered. No answer existed in my heart because I didn't know it. I turned and gave the lips I loved one last kiss before a short vacation. As soon as our lips parted, my heart exploded in hot flames that licked at my lungs and made it hard for me to breathe, "A week."

What do you think?

Hours Ago

14 hours ago, my eyes stole a glance at you
The moment that you had told me you were running away.
My heart wouldn't believe you,
But now I know; it was the truth.

13 hours ago, you told me you loved me
To stay here and mend my heart.
Deep inside, I knew that you wouldn't make it too far.
You were seen fleeing from your home.
They wouldn't let you leave.

12 hours ago, my heart broke.
A message came through my phone.
It had to be one that I never wanted to view.
Bearing the news, it was vague, but oh-so true.
Making your escape, you decided to send me something,
Something to make all of the pain you've cause to go away.

(i found this in a journal that I found of mine, from September.. I don't remember writing it, but it's in my handwriting.. Probably one of those late night,"I need to write something now", moments.)

My Own Personal Frankenstein

I'm one to wake up everyday to think
"Life isn't about finding who you are...
Life is about creating who you are and what you should become.
We're the future of our kind when the old disappear.
We have the very future our trembling hands.
The future is lingering around beckoning to be found.
Whatever it may be, it's in our hands now; Cherish it."

Being an adolescent doesn't make me the voice of reason
Nor does it give me the power to corrupt the minds of others.
The only power I pin to my sleeve each morning is Choice
Whether it be the words that escape my lips
Or who shall take my place as mistress of the theatre.

Soon, I'll find myself creating a masterpiece.
Folding it in immaculately along the edges.
Piercing it in all the right places.
Make it looked like it has had lived.
When it's completed, it'll become my own personal Frankenstein.
I'll give it a name--my name.
May it eventually change something in the future.
For my adolescence has grown to its mere end.
Two more years and my Frankenstein shall live.

(random thing.. I'm 18, so two more years and I'll be 20, no longer a teen. That's incase you didn't known what I meant by the last line.)

Sleep Walker

{this is based on a dream I had a few nights ago that has me massively jumpy, comments are greatly appreciated.. BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed the I got a Distinguished on my portfolio. This is slightly creepy according to my CompTech teacher and he gave it the title.}

Staring in horror, the fear became overwhelming. Is the man still here? Scanning the room, nothing moved with the exception of me and my silhouette cascading onto the wall from the full moon rising in the dark sky. A gorey mess had been left behind by someone. The poor soul lying there leaked innocence and once breathed and blinked. Once screamed. Dare I yell for help? Maybe the person would come after me if he knew of my presence.

Gradually turning around to linger back out of the house so calling out would be safer if I walked away from the scene. Opening the door, I faced the monster. Piercing eyes, full rosy lips and hair dangling in his face. My heart thundered in my chest. I backed away. What else could I do? Death was in my future. Any common sense filled person could see that.

My back hit the wall near my stairs. The stairs would be my only way out, but I wasn't quite sure how swift my attacker was, "Did.. Did you do that?"

His gentle, slender hand rested on my shoulder, guiding me away from the stairs, as if he could read my thoughts, "The man deserved it.. He spoke unthought of words, in massive description and immaculate details."

Right before my eyes, his appearance shifted from what I thought I wanted to see to a bloody mess of a man. Every muscle in my body cringed feeling another wall meet my back. This is it. I clenched my eyes shut and waited.. And nothing happened. My eyes fluttered open and bright sunlight met my pupils and the attacker had vanished.

The Way Things Were

Counting the smoke rings, I lie in bed
Wondering what's going through your head.
What must you have planned tonight?
Besides another fight.

The basics have grown harder
Everybody has become stronger.
History repeats itself again, one last time.
I'll call you mine, I can call you mine.

Tables turning, your eyes are burning
You can't get to sleep tonight.
It was just another fight.
I must be doing something right.

The kids are fast asleep
In their small beds.
In the morning they'll have questions,
Like always we'll have confessions.
Just because to them we can't lie,
No we can't lie this time.

Now lying in bed, I count the smoke rings
Filling the area above the head board
I count millions before they disappear
All I know is that I'll always be here..

Ignore the fights we've had
Forget the answers to the forgotten questions.
I miss the way things use to be
How things once were between you and me.

Inspired By The Folding

(I just remembered that we can post short stories, so here is a tiny part of my current story that I've been working on the last few days. It's pretty horrible to be honest. Comments are greatly appreciated.. It's inspired by William's, uhm, snippet of The Folding. "One:Winter", but it's not going the same way.. You'll see, if you read. I don't have much time left in class).

Part of Chapter One: Eardrums
The red lights ahead screamed at me to quickly stop, so I wasn't able to forewarn the traffic behind me before I came to a the sudden halt. A gentle huff of aggravation with a hint of fear escaped my mouth. In the back of my mind, the possibility of being bumped into by the car behind me made me cringe. My thoughts wandered back to the night before. The yelling, shouting and cursing. I couldn't even believe half of the words that I had said to him; my fiance'. Well, my ex now. Tears and massive confusion blurred my vision before I heard a loud, constant honking pounding on my eardrums. My first reaction was to stomp on the accelerator, thank God for sending the team of Guardian Angels to watch over me because my hesitation saved me and my tiny Honda.

The honking sunk into my head, yet I fought the urge to step out and storm to the car behind me to give them a hunk of what I had been thinking the last few minutes. Suddenly, I angrily opened the door, what in the world was I doing!? Slamming the door, I turned around and reality punched me in my face with all of its might. The skull that was attached to my body felt as though it was crackling under my hairline. Tears beckoned to pour from my eyes. The sight was unbelievable. Cars were turned in every which direction. The honking had been coming from the couple of cars behind my Honda. Pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars. The trunk of my car looked as though it had been beaten to be recycled in ordered to make a bunch of soda-cans.

Something warm rolled down my face as I lingered up to the other cars to check on the drivers and passengers because all of this was my fault. Gazing into the window, I saw way more than I wished for. I don't even want to mention the fact that their air bags never deployed. The car behind him was a much larger vehicle, thus it was not in as bad of shape as the sandwiched car was. Wandering back to my Honda, I tried to remember what really happened. I slammed my breaks and... And an old dingy red Chevrolet pick-up truck hit me head on..

I turned around and saw a paramedic running after me. His running reminded me of Bay Watch; the slow motion I'm-here-to-save-you running. He gently grasped my hand and led me over to the median in the middle of the four-lane highway. everything still ran in slow motion.

There's more but I just got signed out.. What do you guys think????
I apologize for spelling errors, I'm at school, so I don't really have enough time to proof read, etc.

Oxygen

Empty streets and sidewalks
Broken down buildings and various local cops
The feeling of terror built inside me.
My feet were carrying me towards the airport.
Mind over matter; Minds are unpredictable.

Hardly a soul stood near by
Maybe the tears wouldn't form.
The last thing I need to do is cry.
It'd kill the moment
Yet, it has been a long time since our eyes have met.

My limbs trembled as I rested in the seat.
I couldn't tell you how long I waited,
How long I've wanted to see his face again.
Eyes made of hazel emeralds
With tissue soft skin.

Long have I waited for you to come home.
My heart pleaded for you to not be stuck behind the sea.
Our letters were filled with various topics, but one..
One of them made me cry everytime I read it;
You speaking of your fear of not coming home.

The turminal opened and my heart hopped into my throat.
The anticipation formed butterflies with bladed wings in my stomach.
And at that moment, my eyes found the oh-so familiar emaralds.
The ones that they fell in love with long ago.
You're home.. Thank you God; He made it home.

All the love that I felt that I had forgotten
Cascaded across the room, landing on you face.
I realized I would travel through space,
With no oxygen at all for you.
You're my hero; My oxygen.
I love you, too.

Protest

Locked doors, quiet rooms
Coming home to an empty dwelling.
Left alone to dream of confusion
Holding a letter that lied forgotten
Found underneath my pillow.

My eyes froze.
A lump formed in my throat.
All of my limbs tensed.
You knew I protested this
What if you don't come back?

Fighting against people with no names
Uttered unknown languages hit your ear.
Having the scent of burning ashes caught in your nose.
All of my hopes are crying for you to make it home.
My protest went unthought of..

Maybe you'll come home with unused bullets
A cigarette loosely dangling between your lips
And a bible placed near your heart.
My ring on hanging from your neck.
With a foul smell lingering all over your clothes.

If not, my accusations could be true.
Not everyone comes home safely.
There's a possibility some can't make it through.
Yet, the feeling in my still beating heart, actually
Is yearning for you to come home soon.

[[I believe it sounds kind of stupid..]]

Two Days

Something burned my eye lids.
Had I fallen asleep again?
Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call from you,
Telling me of your adventures in Seattle.

My reasons for waiting are fair enough.
I wanted to admit something I wanted to..
To tell you last night, I didn't have the heart.
You never called, so today is the day.
Today, I come out to say, "I'm lost here."

"I've been lost since you left me at the airport.
Lying in bed crying for no reason at all,
Maybe for the words left unsaid.
I just kept my mouth shut,
And my thoughts in my head."

Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call from you,
Telling me that you only wished to say goodbye,
Not a moment too soon; You hated baring bad news.
You speak lies, telling me what I want to hear.

My eyes shot open, hearing the dial tone ringing in my ear.
The heart I believed I had rose into my throat.
Rays from my morning light engulfed my room,
Highlighting the wrinkles on my blanket, with a phone nearby.
My weary morning eyes gawked at the tiny screen.

How weak of me to think that you actually called?
Two days, two days I've wasted.
Waiting for that phone call that I'll never receive.
How dumb of me to believe,
Someone like you would waste your time on me.

x//o-Shawna

The Story

You say you can read me
Like a book with pages missing.
Right now, I'll try to forget
All of the things I've said.

One voice can change the world.
Unknown and untouched.
Maybe I can be that voice for you.
Just help me, find my way.

And here I am, lost and vague.
Underneath these phrases; changed.
Unannounced and unpaved.
Just like you, I am afraid.

My pages have been mended recently.
They were found in someone else's hand.
Maybe after some tape and a few hours,
It'll be all over soon.
The book is still far from over,
You're just another vivid chapter.

A vivid chapter written with such love and care.
Inspired by the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I've lived a lie most of my 17 years of existance.
But since you've came along, the story has come true.